So, it's been a while.
As most of you who know me are aware, I've wrestled with depression for many, many years. Maybe I should talk about it more, I don't really know, but I'm not my favourite subject & I mostly think that it's my shit to shovel, not anyone else's. If you haven't heard from me lately, it's because my job involves talking to people all day, every day and, to be honest, at the end of it, I'm done with communicating. It's not that I'm not thinking of you all, it's just that I don't really want to talk to anyone by the end of my working day - it's nothing personal.
How, then, do I keep the show on the road in the teeth of the black dog?
Mostly through hope & compassion.
Every day, no matter what, I choose to pick up my hope - however battered, tarnished, torn & discoloured it might be from the previous day. I dust it off & knock out as many of the dents as I can, and go into the day carrying it before me. And, Yes, some days that is so, so hard to do; but I know what lies down the path of no hope - I've been down that road before, and I never want to travel it again.
And what does my hope consist of? That by doing what I do, being the best me I can be, that this day I will make a positive difference in someone's life - maybe even more than one if things go well! Of course, I know that won't always be recognised even when it's achieved, but that's not the point anyway. I used to work with the homeless in London many years ago. Do you know what you get when you provide a dirty, smelly, ungrateful old tramp with a hot shower, clean clothes, hot food, and a bed for the night? A somewhat less smelly, ungrateful old tramp. If you're expecting gratitude, you're in the wrong business... What it's really about is doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do. If someone expresses gratitude, it's a bonus (which thought has just brought to mind the episode of Jesus & the 10 lepers - but I'm starting to digress again, and this is probably a subject to be explored another day...).
And do you know something? It (mostly) works - even on the bleakest days, I can hold onto the concrete fact that I do make a positive difference, no matter how I might personally feel.
Turning to compassion, it might not be inappropriate to say that I am "afflicted" by it; when the gospels talk of Jesus "having compassion" upon those he met, it's a term that refers to a gut reaction, not an intellectual decision, I do not 'choose' to be compassionate, rather compassion rises within me in response to the travails of those I encounter each day. Of course, because I cannot make myself compassionate, problems then come about when compassion doesn't rise in me - then, I have to fall back upon an 'intellectual' decision as to what the "correct" response is. Obviously, if intellectual resources are maxed out (not uncommon for individuals suffering depression in social situations), then the sad truth is that some poor sod's going to get very short shrift indeed!
However, I find that I have become more compassionate over time (If you think I'm a git now, you should have met me 30+ years ago - I was a right bastard...), so if I cannot make myself feel compassion in any given situation, how have I managed to become more compassionate over time? I think it's because I choose to hope - that that hope waters the seeds of compassion within me and makes it more fertile. In turn, the fruits of that compassion feed my hope that I'm making a positive difference, producing a 'virtuous circle' that has - thus far - enabled me to keep the dog on a leash.
